IF WAR CORRESPONDENTS REPORTED ON THE MAGA RIOTS IN THE SAME WAY THEY REPORTED ON COUP ATTEMPTS IN OTHER COUNTRIES

Yesterday, an attempted coup d’état was thwarted in Washington D.C. — the capital of the globe’s largest military power. Once considered the shining beacon of free and fair elections, the United States’ veneer as the world’s greatest democracy has long lost its shine.

Two months ago, the former American Vice-President Joseph R. Biden defeated the incumbent American President, Donald J. Trump, in a hotly contested election that saw the disgraced real estate mogul lose in an electoral college landslide. A racist political neophyte, Donald Trump faces the ignominy of being one of only three presidents in the nation’s history to have faced impeachment for launching an illegal and unfounded investigation into his political opponent.

Despite his electoral college defeat by a 306-232 margin, the dictatorial Trump has repeatedly lied to the American people about the election results. Instead, Trump has directed his ire at long-suppressed African American and Native American voters who tipped several crucial “swing-states” in Biden’s favor.

Trump’s lies finally came to a head yesterday, as “Make America Great Again” cultists stormed the National Capitol building at the behest of their leader and his political sycophants, including Senators Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley. Threatening the lives of America’s highest-ranked Democrats — Trump’s sworn political opponents — armed supporters of America’s regressive MAGA Faction interrupted the procedural certification of U.S. election results and took control of the Capitol Rotunda.

In addition to physically occupying Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office, President Trump’s devotees are accused of planting improvised explosive devices around the Capitol to assassinate the outgoing president’s political enemies. This act of political terrorism, defined by the U.S. Army Field Manual as the “calculated use of unlawful violence or threat of unlawful violence… to coerce or intimidate governments or societies” has been widely decried by the global community.

In a half-hearted attempt to prevent the riots from spiraling further, President Trump continued to call the validity of the election into question while asking his “very special” supporters to go home. Making matters worse, it is speculated that President Trump delayed the deployment of military forces under his purview despite urgent requests for assistance from local officials. To quell further insurrection, the capital’s neighboring states of Virginia and Maryland — led by vocal critics of the president — chose to deploy their own military units into the field.

Though tensions since last night seemed to have simmered after massive military intervention, the city and its residents remain on edge. This is a developing story.

Originally published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

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